My beef w/ God.

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 I want to blame God for everything. It feels easy. It gives a reason for the inexplicable. My life has always seemed to be revolved around a series of inexplicable, unfortunate events. It feels easy to want to blame God for the death of my father and for having the boy father that he was. It feels easy to blame God for not having enough money to support my mother and I. It feels easy to blame God for the reason why we haven't had a place to call our own. It feels easy to blame God for the kind of life I've had thus far.  It feels easy to blame God for the reason why I haven't made any money off of my e-book. It feels easy to blame, God for the fact that even though I am working 40hrs a week, financially it's still not enough. "If God loves me and see's my circumstances then why doesn't he help?" If he can claim that true religion is helping the fatherless and widower then why hasn't he sent anyone to help us? 

My fear wants to blame God. My sense of helplessness wants to blame God. My anxiety wants to blame God. My depression want to blame God. My desperation want to blame God. My unhappiness wants to blame God. My flesh is pissed. However do you want to know what's Ironic though?  As I am typing I am listening to worship music. My spirit feels extremely fed and encouraged listening to worship music although my flesh wants to live in deep bitterness and resentment towards God. In all honesty I'm not sure how well I'm doing existing within the tension of my spirit enjoying the presence and closeness to God and my flesh wanting to be at war with God. Some days my faith feels like a joke, other days my faith gives me the ability to go off on God use some rather charged language because my faith tell me that he will listen and that he can handle my anger. 

Will things ever get better? Who knows. Apart of me wants to believe that things will change eventually. 

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