Thought's of a saved loner.

-

I've been a loner for most of my life. I've been a loner who has been desperate for community, desperate to belong since I was a young child. For most of my life, I've been searching for a community to be seen and accepted by. It's becoming clear however that right now, it isn't in God's plan for me to be in community. To be honest it sucks. It hurts. I low key hate it here in isolation. But I can't help but wonder if being this isolated is God's way of getting me to see myself. What if it's God's way of getting rid of the distractions?
what it's God's way of drawing me closer to him?

I have often wondered if I'll ever get married?. Will I ever get to feel like I've succeeded?. What if I only feel lonely because the community I feel like I deserve is not what God see's as a good fit for me? What if the community I seek isn't part of God's plan for me and the path that he would have me to go?

I'm a loner and I'm creative.
I"m a loner and I love hard.
I'm a loner and I struggle with bouts of sadness and anxiety.
I'm a loner and I fight to keep faith.
I"m a loner and I'm a child of God. 

Maybe one day I'll get to see the other side of being a loner. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The toxic family unit no one talks about

-
I've been wanting to write something for a while now but nothing I had to say felt meaningful. Nothing I had to say felt impactful during those times in which I wanted to write and share with you all. However at last I feel as though I have something worth sharing.  I've come to the realization that there are a lot people out there who are so self aware within their family unit that when relatives who have unintentionally caused trauma to this self aware person in the family, that at some point, he/she will get so pushed to the edge ( Mentally and emotionally) by these relatives; the only thought in their mind is the idea of their relatives being deceased. Moreover he/she can also at times have thoughts about themselves being deceased because he/she have reached the capacity on how much negativity one can tolerate from a toxic and dysfunctional family unit.  I'm not sure why there hasn't been enough conversations about toxic family units in which where emotional and men
Read more

The Trauma of Neglect

-
 There's a trauma that comes with being emotionally neglected as a child. When you become an adult it seems as if the only person really living is the traumatized version of yourself who refuses to disappear. No matter how I think about it, the feeling of being neglected is not an easy feeling to part from once one becomes aware of how crippling it actually is. For instance, I have this terrible fear of rejection and I've had it for years and it wasn't until today that I realized that my fear of rejection stemmed from me often feeling emotionally neglected. Neglect has made me tremble at the sight of rejection. This thief named neglect has made me make stupid decisions that should have never been made. Neglect stole my ability to make healthy decisions, it stole my ability to be courageous, joyful, content.  It has become this monstrous beast who seems to follow me in my every day life. My hope is that one day I'll have conquered this beast. That I'll have see this
Read more

My beef w/ God.

-
 I want to blame God for everything. It feels easy. It gives a reason for the inexplicable. My life has always seemed to be revolved around a series of inexplicable, unfortunate events. It feels easy to want to blame God for the death of my father and for having the boy father that he was. It feels easy to blame God for not having enough money to support my mother and I. It feels easy to blame God for the reason why we haven't had a place to call our own. It feels easy to blame God for the kind of life I've had thus far.  It feels easy to blame God for the reason why I haven't made any money off of my e-book. It feels easy to blame, God for the fact that even though I am working 40hrs a week, financially it's still not enough. "If God loves me and see's my circumstances then why doesn't he help?" If he can claim that true religion is helping the fatherless and widower then why hasn't he sent anyone to help us?  My fear wants to blame God. My sense
Read more