This Walk

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If someone were to ask me to describe my relationship with God, I would use the word complicated. I've always grown up around God. I grew up in church. When I was twenty-one, I got baptized. Eleven years later since getting baptized I'm still struggling when it comes to my walk with Christ. It's gotten so bad, that I've gotten to a point where I've stopped praying because I'm afraid of getting my hopes up about the things I've prayed for. 
What do you do when you've fasted and prayed and have read your bible and paid your tithes and yet you don't experience the outcome you thought you would get?
It's hard to go to church and to see certain people getting prophesied to and to see their needs getting met by God and to sit there and wonder if God could careless about you and your needs?
Even though my feelings are legitimate and I have the right to feel how I feel,  not too long ago I had to be honest about how I felt when it came to my spiritual life. I'm not always prompted to pick up my bible and read. Praying hasn't always been something I enjoyed doing. Feeding my spiritual life has always felt like it was job or a burden. It never felt natural. I guess that's why I always felt disappointed when I did, fast, pray or read the word and never got the outcome I desired. 
Again. complicated. 
I don't feel like I'm trying to walk away from God. 
I just feel like I have to let go of his hand while we walk. 



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