This Walk

-
If someone were to ask me to describe my relationship with God, I would use the word complicated. I've always grown up around God. I grew up in church. When I was twenty-one, I got baptized. Eleven years later since getting baptized I'm still struggling when it comes to my walk with Christ. It's gotten so bad, that I've gotten to a point where I've stopped praying because I'm afraid of getting my hopes up about the things I've prayed for. 
What do you do when you've fasted and prayed and have read your bible and paid your tithes and yet you don't experience the outcome you thought you would get?
It's hard to go to church and to see certain people getting prophesied to and to see their needs getting met by God and to sit there and wonder if God could careless about you and your needs?
Even though my feelings are legitimate and I have the right to feel how I feel,  not too long ago I had to be honest about how I felt when it came to my spiritual life. I'm not always prompted to pick up my bible and read. Praying hasn't always been something I enjoyed doing. Feeding my spiritual life has always felt like it was job or a burden. It never felt natural. I guess that's why I always felt disappointed when I did, fast, pray or read the word and never got the outcome I desired. 
Again. complicated. 
I don't feel like I'm trying to walk away from God. 
I just feel like I have to let go of his hand while we walk. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The toxic family unit no one talks about

-
I've been wanting to write something for a while now but nothing I had to say felt meaningful. Nothing I had to say felt impactful during those times in which I wanted to write and share with you all. However at last I feel as though I have something worth sharing.  I've come to the realization that there are a lot people out there who are so self aware within their family unit that when relatives who have unintentionally caused trauma to this self aware person in the family, that at some point, he/she will get so pushed to the edge ( Mentally and emotionally) by these relatives; the only thought in their mind is the idea of their relatives being deceased. Moreover he/she can also at times have thoughts about themselves being deceased because he/she have reached the capacity on how much negativity one can tolerate from a toxic and dysfunctional family unit.  I'm not sure why there hasn't been enough conversations about toxic family units in which where emotional and men
Read more

The Trauma of Neglect

-
 There's a trauma that comes with being emotionally neglected as a child. When you become an adult it seems as if the only person really living is the traumatized version of yourself who refuses to disappear. No matter how I think about it, the feeling of being neglected is not an easy feeling to part from once one becomes aware of how crippling it actually is. For instance, I have this terrible fear of rejection and I've had it for years and it wasn't until today that I realized that my fear of rejection stemmed from me often feeling emotionally neglected. Neglect has made me tremble at the sight of rejection. This thief named neglect has made me make stupid decisions that should have never been made. Neglect stole my ability to make healthy decisions, it stole my ability to be courageous, joyful, content.  It has become this monstrous beast who seems to follow me in my every day life. My hope is that one day I'll have conquered this beast. That I'll have see this
Read more

My beef w/ God.

-
 I want to blame God for everything. It feels easy. It gives a reason for the inexplicable. My life has always seemed to be revolved around a series of inexplicable, unfortunate events. It feels easy to want to blame God for the death of my father and for having the boy father that he was. It feels easy to blame God for not having enough money to support my mother and I. It feels easy to blame God for the reason why we haven't had a place to call our own. It feels easy to blame God for the kind of life I've had thus far.  It feels easy to blame God for the reason why I haven't made any money off of my e-book. It feels easy to blame, God for the fact that even though I am working 40hrs a week, financially it's still not enough. "If God loves me and see's my circumstances then why doesn't he help?" If he can claim that true religion is helping the fatherless and widower then why hasn't he sent anyone to help us?  My fear wants to blame God. My sense
Read more